You can read my previous “Evolution of a Polycule” posts about how my polyamorous relationships have evolved and changed in the links at the end.
New Continent- Same Relationships
On April 1, I arrived in Medellin, Colombia. One of my most favorite places in the world. However, it is not known to be the most progressive in terms of relationship culture. I did find a polyamory Facebook group here, and I hope to find out how to connect to these people. Maybe find an oasis in a desert of understanding and openness.
I left Germany at the end of February and spend the time in between then and now in a self-imposed celibate state. My intention was to allow myself time to figure out who I am again outside of my open easy-loving life in Berlin. I hoped, as I journeyed away from my partners physically, the time I spent NOT dating could be used to figure out how to be in these loving committed relationships, from a new distance. What do my relationships look like and how will we act now that life is changing so much for all of us? And believe me, there is a lot of change for each one of us in this constellation.
I am blessed to have two wonderful partners. (I am the V, it is not a triad.) Both of them are long term relationships and both of them are German men, still back in Germany. Both of them also “let me go” with a grace and confidence I have found wonderfully reassuring. There were no endless discussions about what our relationships would/should look like while I am away. There were no, “We have to talk 3 times a week.” No, “You must text me every day.” Nothing like that at all.
There was just this quiet confidence. We didn’t have to discuss what our relationships would look like because we all believe that relationships should be allowed to find their own level. We would figure this out. Benjamin, more verbally communicative than Stefan, reassured me multiple times, “I am not going anywhere. Berlin and I will be here when you get back.” Stefan, when he dropped me at the airport, gave me the longest hug he’s ever given me and simply said, “Stay in touch. Send photos, but not too many! See you again soon.”
My Polycule Today
The way my relationships constellation looks right now is not all that different than it did in January. But so much has changed!
Since I left, he and his wife have solidified their separation. She was looking for and found her own place and he is helping her and their daughter get settled. He will move back into his own place and they will share custody of their little one 50/50. He’ll now have a little more freedom to get his life figured out as a newly “single” man with two girlfriends! LOL (He also has a girlfriend in his town and me out here in Colombia.)
We celebrated our one-year meeting each other online this week. Of course, just like the rest of our relationship, our moment was a bit overshadowed by the fact that he had just been helping his ex set up her new apartment and was having a lot of feelings about it. Bless his heart. I have a blog post brewing about how despite difficult times, being polyamorous has allowed me to continue to have this wonderful human in my life.
Oh lord, my Stefan. My uncommunicative, passionate, ambitious loving family man Stefan. The night I left Berlin he dropped the bomb that he was hoping to buy a house he found. It’s out in the country in a village not too far from where his family is already living. Since then he bought the house and he and his girlfriend Sherry are cleaning it up and preparing it for them to move into together. He will be living out in the village, a gentleman farmer life, with her and their 2-year old daughter. That is a huge change from living the “single life” in Berlin with me and Sally making regular visits.
He also is about to close his second business. The warehouse should be all emptied out this week. It has always been the plan to close it down, and have his employees run the headshop, so he could manage it remotely and travel. Only now, since his daughter came into the picture, those plans have shifted into being a dad and boyfriend and figuring out what that looks like long term. (Like 18 years long term!)
All the while I was planning to leave, I knew in the back of my mind, Stefan would just be there. He was when I moved away the first time and traveled the world for 9 months. This would just be 10 months, of course, he will be right there on his couch when I got back. But now? That’s a much less likely scenario. I didn’t bother to ask him what it will all look like next year, there is no way he knows yet and I don’t even know my plans. For now, we still have our Monday and Thursday texts and we even had the chance to chat on the phone the other day, which made me very very happy!
So now what? What will my polycule look like when I do this review next quarter? Your guess is as good as mine. I have a date with a nice guy tonight. He’s a tattoo artist who has his own studio, a photographer, and he looks a bit like a Colombian Marc Walburgh. I haven’t even approached the idea of polyamory with him yet. This will be my first time explaining my lifestyle and relationships in Spanish. Wish me well!! I will be sure to give a high-level overview of the experience in my next week’s “Week in Review.”
Check out my previous “Evolution of a Polycule” posts:
Evolution of a Polycule: https://medium.com/@ELByrne/the-evolution-of-a-polycule-4138838fba7f
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