That One Time I Lost a Sex Toy up My Hoo-Ha

Have you ever read one of those internet lists? You know the ones you read because you have a morbid curiosity and can’t stop yourself from looking? Like this one:

The 14 Craziest Objects Ever Found Inside People- https://www.ranker.com/list/the-13-craziest-objects-ever-found-inside-people/rachel-stewart

Once I read about a woman who had a sex toy of some sort stuck in her vagina for WEEKS before going to the ER because it finally started to get uncomfortable. I was very judgmental. I told all my friends. I asked how was that even possible? But now? I repent. I repent for every time I read one of those lists and made fun of people who get “things stuck up there…” I need forgiveness… I should probably crawl on my knees and beg to be forgiven because well… it happened to me, sort of, yeah well…

Ok, so let me start from the beginning… It was a cold winter night,… Uhm, no… A long time ago in a galaxy far far away… HA! Ok, no really. My partner Stefan and I have an amazing sex life. We enjoy a lot of things that are not just PIV (penis in vagina) missionary style sex, and one of those things is sex toys. We each had a collection when we met and then we bought toys together. The options are limitless and it’s a rare event if we don’t incorporate toys into our sexy adventures. We even have a bit of an opening line he uses when we’re about ready to have sex, it tells a lot about our sex life. We’ll be curled up on the couch, we’re always naked (that’s a rule in his house, we’re always naked there) and snuggling and he’ll say something like, “So, what will we put inside you tonight?” (That gives me shivers every time!)

This particular night, he settled me into the big leather and chain sex swing he has in the living room and handed me a fresh gin tonic so I could relax while he prepared everything. He even got me a pair of socks to keep my feet warm while they were stuck in the stirrups. It’s so sexy when I’m sitting there all comfortable and he’s going around the room, lighting the candles, pulling out the lube, and gathering the toys he wants us to use that night. To make a long hot and sexy story short we had a lot of fun that evening… things were put inside me: hands, toys, his cock, more toys. At one point he not only used one of his big fat dildos on me in the usual “thrust in and out” way, but he stuck it all the way inside of me so it disappeared completely! It was a lot of fun, there were a million sensations. I love the way we connect! When we were done, he refreshed my gin tonic and spun the swing slowly around so I could relax and come down from the sex high while he cleaned up.

(You can read the whole “dirtier” version here: https://lustitude.com/the-sex-swing-in-5-acts-of-the-senses/)

After he helped me from the swing and I cleaned up, we snuggled on the couch. I love those quiet moments when we connect again after great sex. I rolled over onto my side and threw my naked leg over his, and felt some pressure in my vagina. I thought, “Oh, we sure played hard tonight” and snuggled back again. Not long later, I coughed and felt something a little uncomfortable in my belly. I got up to get some wine, we had some snacks, and when I went to sit up on the couch so we could eat, again I felt a little uncomfortable. I had a fuller feeling inside than I was used to, but was still chalking it up to the extreme things we had just done together. I tried to be casual and reached down to feel my stomach, and pressed down a little lower. To my surprise, I felt something hard pressing up through my layers of fat.

I whipped my head around and looked at him with big eyes, “Did you take that fat toy out of me?”

He is so relaxed and easy-going, he looked at me without a worry, “Uhm… I don’t know. There was a lot going on there at the end. Why?”

“I think it might still be inside me!” I am decidedly less easy-going than he is and the thought of having something stuck inside my vagina was putting visions of those internet lists in my head! I could see myself having an X-ray of my hoo-ha and the whole ER staff laughing at me in German when they see a large silicon cock protruding between my pelvis bones!

“Go into the bathroom and get it out.” He casually suggests. Like there is anything CASUAL about this situation!

“Oh, that’s easy for you to say! This is all your fault! OMG, how do I get it out?” I didn’t really think he would have an answer but I should have known better, he knows a lot about a lot of things!

“Just sit on the toilet and bear down. It’ll pop out.” (Being schooled by my man about how my body works just added fuel to the embarrassment!)

I got up off the couch and waddled to the bathroom. I was walking fine when I went to the kitchen earlier but that was BEFORE I knew I had a big fat sex toy stuck up inside me! Now it seems I had to keep my legs open or something bad was going to happen! I do what he says, get to the bathroom and try to dislodge it. Amazingly, he was right. Our bodies are made to push a small human through that space, so a sex toy- no matter how big- was no match for my super bear down skills. It popped out with a crazy sucking sound! EW! I just laughed and laughed. I mean really? I narrowly escaped being an ER statistic and I am sitting on a toilet laughing hysterically. Stefan peaked his head around the bathroom door, “You ok?” He saw me laughing and a look of relief came across his face. He pulled me close and rubbed my back. “That’s a relief.” We headed back to the couch and settled in for some much-needed snuggling and reassurance.

I still can’t think about that night without being embarrassed but also laughing. I can’t believe I didn’t know there was a rather large sex toy completely shoved up inside my vagina. I am totally flummoxed because I am usually very in tune with my body. But between the types of sex play we engage in together and being in the afterglow of amazing sex, I just plain missed it. I also love that memory because it taught me how easy going and loving my partner is. He didn’t panic, he didn’t rise up to my insecurity, he just went with it and gave me a way to fix it. No bossing me around, no acting smarter than me, no mansplaining, just “Hey- here’s an idea…” He was easy and relaxed and showed me a new way we work together so well. I’ll never be embarrassed by anything that happens with him now; I mean how could it? (Plus- hey he’s half to blame, he’s the one who didn’t take it out of me in the first place!)

So, before you look at those websites and crazy lists and wonder, “How could she not have known she had a dildo inside her for 6 weeks!?” Remember this story. You never know what circumstances and what sensations you might not realize are normal- or not! (Insert embarrassed face here!) And you too could have a sex toy stuck up your hoo-ha! Just sayin’!

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If you liked this story, check out some others on the blog like these:

My Lover is a Place (The story of me and Stefan)

Naked in Berlin (Living in Berlin helped me to be more confident in my naked self)