“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” – Tom Robbins
I am still reeling from my breakup, but I still have plenty of hope and expectation of love. I always say “love is worth the risk,” and I mean it. I always have. Even when I know it could (sometimes even know it WILL) hurt, I am still willing to jump in and give it my best shot!
Even now, as I am figuring out my previous relationship with Said (why did I stay so long and what can I change in me so it doesn’t happen again) AND sad about Lux making a different choice in who he would like to date, I am happily growing in my relationship with Dex. I think hanging out with him is helping soothe the other pains. The other night we had both had crappy days, but we hung out anyway, and snuggling on his couch and getting forehead kisses was definitely a lovely balm to my poor hurting heart.
Creating Perfect Love
I have two thoughts about this (well probably more but I am trying not to write novels for this month, just diary-style entries with some brief thoughts of my days/life…)
The first is; I do not believe in perfect love. We are imperfect beings, so any love we create between us will be imperfect too. It is something we must accept if we are to truly be content in any relationship. No one is perfect and sometimes we’re even more imperfect together, other times we help one another be better, be more.
The second is one of the main reasons I embrace polyamory. I am able to create the perfect love relationships for me. It’s not always easy, it particularly depends on the ability of my partner to also embrace designing our relationship in a way particular to us, but it always is worth it.
Two posts that specifically talk about embracing designer relationships within polyamory:
If We Were Monogamous, My Boyfriend Would Not Make the Cut
Recently someone commented on one of my posts that ALL people must design their own relationships and answer together what they want, not just polyamorous people. (She thought I was taking on airs, I think!) I agree we all SHOULD, I just don’t think most people do. We are conditioned in our culture to believe certain things about relationships, we have an innate understanding of what is “supposed” to happen, (it is often referred to as the relationship escalator) and for most of us, that is exactly what we do.
While I believe in trying to create the “perfect love relationship” for me, it is not always easy. I have found it even more interesting an adventure here in the US. When I lived in Berlin I mostly dated men who were already polyamorous or already exploring polyamory for themselves. Here, due to the pandemic, I have not had the opportunity to meet other polyam people in meetups or groups. So I have been trying to create these “designer” relationships with men who have never explored these thoughts or ideas. It is all new to them.
(This is a post (the post mentioned above) about making conscious decisions not to follow the cultural norms of the “relationship escalator.” I’m Solo-Poly: No Relationship Escalator for Me )
I am willing to put in the work, make the effort, and see what happens. For me, it’s worth it… One last thing I want to mention, because people often find it difficult to believe. I do believe I can love, truly love, more than one person at a time. The previous commentor also disparaged the types of relationships I was in when I wrote the post, as not deep love relationships. But who defines love but the lover and the beloved?
Even then, I know she meant “long-term, culturally normal appearing” relationships. I also believe I can have that kind of relationship and love them while loving others, the same way, differently, how we decide it’s going to be. I don’t believe love has to be one thing or that’s it. That would not be perfect love to me.
I know I already gave you three posts in the content, but you might like this one too: One Tree, Not Two (Why I Never Want to Be One Tree)
Today’s pictures are not Africa! LOL (But be sure there will be more of those to come.) I couldn’t choose just one today of my Berlin. The place of my heart. The day I stepped off the plane and walked down the street from my flat in Kreuzberg, I knew I was in love. The city held me in its black, gritty heart and taught me so many things!!
Today I am linking up to Quote Quest.
4 Replies to “January Jumpstart: Perfect Love”
Such a wonderful, thought provoking post. I’m ethically non-monogamous, as not organised enough to be poly, or blessed with enough time. But I absolutely get it. There is so much love in the world. The more you give out and share, the more there is. I never realised until I left my husband (who took all of my love and bashed it) but since then I have found this never ending supply of warmth and love.
I totally get where you are coming from with the ex who took the love and bashed it… but behold… what wonders awaited us on the other side!!
Understanding love and relationships can be so difficult. I think those of us in a sex positive bubble are better at exploring it than others but it’s a constantly changing field as we grow and adapt as people too.
I agree… even since I’ve discovered polyamory, while my basic tenants have stayed the same, my practice, my needs, my boundaries have changed so many times!