January Jumpstart: Vulnerable and Insecure

Vulnerable and Insecure: So- I tweeted earlier that I hadn’t written this post yet (I have been trying to be one day ahead but I was PRETTY hungover yesterday and not really able to get a post together…) but I was feeling vulnerable and insecure today, and I knew I really should talk about it, so I posted that on Twitter, kind of as an “accountability” security. (Random sidenote: I KNOW I am ESPECIALLY emotional – hormones- because I just broke down sobbing watching an episode of “Agents of Shield” while trying to write this!)

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Anywho… two nights ago I had a date with Dex. I like him. He is a super cool guy who is pretty down to earth and just an all-around nice guy. I am pretty sure I’ve said he is “the kind of guy I didn’t realize I needed in my life.” He makes me laugh and he’s just dang sweet. He brought me a present on Monday. A wrought iron wine bottle that you can fill with wine corks! He knows me so well! And he got it just because he saw it when he was out (he loves to go to consignment shops and find treasures and he finds really great stuff!) and thought of me. Awwww

The only thing is, Dex ultimately desires the monogamous life. He is from a small town, and while he is really working hard to be open to what I am offering him, he is not really willing (maybe or able) to look beyond that at what maybe could be more. That’s fair. I don’t want to change someone I am with, I just want to enjoy being with them while we both enjoy it. I really enjoy Dex.  We have agreed to enjoy this while we can but we both know that at the end of the day, he is hopefully going to meet a nice woman to settle down with and make that life he wants with her. I am ok with that. We have already talked about how I know being with him is risking my little heart, (did I mention how much I enjoy spending time with him?) because in the end it just is for this time, whatever that looks like. So- this relationship is a “test” of sorts of my philosophy that relationships should be allowed to find their level. The thing is, this level right now is to hang out a lot, pop-by occasionally, and buy each other random gifts, yet that could all end at any time… eek! This is gonna be a tough one!

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The other thing and the thing that made me feel insecure and vulnerable is his kind of not so open view on sex. He knows I am in a romantic sexual relationship with Lux. He decided that was ok with his own needs because how could he, who has been a cheater in the past, “say anything” about how I want to live my life, especially because I am honest about it and it clearly brings me joy and works for me. OK, I can work with that, especially knowing point one from above.

But then he made a comment about kinky being something you should only share with one person, but it was definitely directed as a woman should only share with “THE ONE” person. Ya know? We were talking about what we liked sexually since he pulled some amazing trash talk out the last time we were together and it made me think, hmm he might be ready for the “second drawer” (top drawer has finger vibe, lube, condoms, and poppers, second drawer, all the “regular dildos”, more lube, some body-safe markers, and more poppers. The third drawer is the BDSM stuff and my really big toys, plus the sex-towels in case of messy sex!)

So in the middle of this whole talk, his comment was kind of based on the fact that when he was married he and his ex played with toys and had “that kind” of fun, but I am 100% sure he hasn’t done that with anyone else since. In talking about this with my BFF tonight, she made a comment that makes a lot of sense, so many people think of “kinky” (even just toys or anal) as “that dirty thing” we do. So you can’t do it with EVERYONE because it’s that “dirty thing” and you don’t want EVERYONE to know you do it, because what would that say about you?

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Well, obviously if you have been reading my posts you know I am kinky. I love my toys, I love “dirty” hard so intense I might cry and need you to hold me before we can go on, kind of sex. I want toys and fists and anal and hair pulling and spanking. And I am happy to share that with you, and you and you… as long as we have the trust and compatibility to be that for each other. So, the way he made the comment hurt my feelings, made me feel like he thought less of me because of my desire for those things. I tried to explain to him that for me, Kinky isn’t a dirty secret, it’s who I am. It’s kind of like sexual orientation, I like men, women, and kink.

I told him how I felt, cause he could tell I was a little upset. He really did try to understand. And honestly, I know the kind of place he is coming from. He has not had the great Berlin revolution in his life- the great opening of relationship values and sexual liberation. Most people haven’t. Especially where I am from, where I am living again. His world is totally blown wide open just dating me in an open ethically non-monogamous relationship, so I am also trying to remember where he is coming from. I know he cares about me. He has already said more than once, that if it “wasn’t for that polyamory thing, I would be the woman he wants to be with.” So we got past it and still enjoyed our evening quite a bit. (except seriously WHY is my period causing me to be quite so emotional! That is not so normal for me, though maybe it is and I just wasn’t paying attention, we’d have to ask Said, except we broke up and are not speaking… so there is that going on still too…)

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So there were hormonal emotions, a little bit of feeling insulted because of opening up about who I am… and there was wine… a lot lot of wine. (I like to drink! He does too… eek!) We had some “wild sex” (I use parenthesis because I am not 100% sure everything that happened, see that thing about the wine… too much wine!) I know we had period sex and anal sex, so it was a very full evening! There were two sex toys on my side table, (one a pretty decent sized butt plug) but they were not used. When I opened my phone internet browser in the morning, I saw I had pulled up some of my favorite porn… hmm THAT is some extra extra kinky stuff that is way more about fantasy than reality, but I fear I may have shown that to him too… yes the same guy who already had some “thoughts” about being kinky.

We woke up snuggled in each other’s arms and holding hands. We woke up still horny and I gave him a quick hand-job before he had to leave at the crack of dawn for work, and then we texted quite a few times about the fact that I STILL could not find the remote control for the TV. So, really, it was fine.

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But for the evening and into today he left a text unanswered. When I texted him this morning it took him a long time to answer, even now, I sit here waiting for him to respond to a text about when I will see him again. I honestly cannot tell you if these texts are taking any longer than normal for him to answer. I usually don’t care how long they take. I don’t believe people are obligated to be tied to their phones and answer right away. I prefer we live our lives and answer as we can. But my insecurities are shining right though, they are blazing a trail of “you’re too much” right through my head and projecting into our relationship. I find myself constantly talking myself off the ledge of insecurity right over to the corner of bravado and back. We haven’t been together THAT long and the other night was intense and I don’t even remember it all so how intense was it?

I feel like some of ya’ll can relate:

Did I scare him off? Was I too kinky? Fuck him, who cares! If I am and he can’t handle it then I move on. No, but he is so nice and I like him, I really don’t want to lose him. But you don’t want to compromise who you are either. You need to drink less,  but I like wine…. and the vicious circle goes on and on. Add period, add still not over my break-up with Said (just typing his name these two times makes me need a moment for a deep breath), and good lord I am a bundle of vulnerability and insecurity. EEK!

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Hanging out with my BFF for dinner tonight helped. It always does, of course. Plus as I am writing this, he and I have been texting. I am kind of holding off on ending the post so I can tell you the result of our conversation… One thing is, I have learned that being vulnerable is kind of the only way through. I did just ask him when we were going to hang out (which we generally discuss mid-week anyway) and then checked in “We are ok? I have been a bit worried.” I mean I’ve already cried a few times in front of him (did I mention my damn hormones???) and we are both having sex AND sleeping together, so if I can’t be vulnerable with him, what’s the point?

Well, I want to post this.. he did say he was tired, and he is recovering from COVID… poor baby. Our texts before that were friendly and sweet and he did say he wants to see me soon, so we are going with it’s all good! (except you know right? Until he actually SAYS… “YES. We’re good. I’m kind of gonna be worried about it… regardless if I should be or not.) But there we go- isn’t that what this whole blog post is about… how I feel so vulnerable and insecure about this right now?

Not to even mention the way our country is a total shit-show right now! THAT is not helping things either.

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Today’s pic is another one from the salt pan. I love this picture. It totally represents the amazing freedom and the joy I experienced on my trip throughout the different countries I visited in Africa. It was a once in a lifetime experience I will never forget.

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You might like this older post: Travel, Privilege, and Solo-Poly

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This post is part of January Jumpstart. Click the badge to check out who else is starting their year off challenging themselves to post to their blog every day! There are some great sex-positive and sexy things happening over there you will DEFINITELY WANT to check out!