Well, you probably knew it was coming even though I thought I could hold it off indefinitely. I mean, all the things I mentioned about how our relationship was and had been going surely gave everyone around me the signs… heck I knew they were there but the pandemic lockdown and my desire to keep what I had hoped we would have, held me there much longer than it should ever have. My best friend reminded me just before we actually broke up, how difficult it can be to give up on a dream. To break down the form you created around a relationship and see the insides for what they really are, takes bravery and strength. I wasn’t sure I could do that, but as we talked and I started to cry, I knew it was time.
Sadly, the conversation started on Christmas night, so that’s when it happened. I certainly didn’t set out to break up with him on Christmas! I was actually trying to wait, but sometimes when the feelings come on, when the conversation turns, you have to take advantage of the moment. Dex kind of called me out for doing it then, but truly that was not my intention, though I am sure it did not make 2020 any less of a shit show for either of us!
I won’t go on and on and bore you with the why’s and the wherefore’s… I will just say, it was not working for me. I don’t think it was really working for him either, to be honest, but there are a lot of things in his life that aren’t working for him, so it was just one thing in a list of many and he didn’t see any way out. On my part, as much as I understood his life has a lot going on right now, the result was our relationship was no longer bringing any joy at all to me. I was sad all the time over the way things had dissolved.
When I first left him, I left him for very good reasons. I left him because we were very very bad for each other in those final days. I needed to go for my own mental health and both of our safety. Yet, once I was gone I found the distance softened the edges and I couldn’t break with him completely. Though, to be honest, I probably should have. But, Lord I love him, still, so much, I had so much hope for what we could have been, and I was so sad that deep down I knew it was long over, I couldn’t do it and I kept up by only seeing the happy things. We texted all the time and video chat and stayed connected.
I took a break writing this because even just writing those words brought out tears and sadness and I still had things to do today and I wasn’t ready to sit in my feelings. Are we ever?
I think the hardest thing is losing what we were supposed to have. I suppose that’s often the way. From the beginning we had the type of connection that jumped me right on the “relationship escalator.” (Even though I always said I am not made for it! I’m Solo-Poly: No Relationship Escalator for Me) I jumped off again and we figured out our relationship and how we wanted it to be for us, but we did have long term life-long expectations. I did have hope he would be in my life for the long haul. But honestly- even before lockdown which only made things worse, we were struggling. We were having trouble adapting to being a full-time live in couple. We never planned to actually live together full time- just a few months at a time, giving me the freedom I knew I needed to roam and have my automony. But then we found ourselves living together for 8 months, through the most stressful period of time in our history… and that did not go well. I kind of hated it, but I couldn’t admit it, and I couldn’t go anywhere anyway. The way he deals with life is very different than me, he has a bigger temper than I ever expected, and just our cultural differences made everything hard.
All this difficult, all this tough, all this incompatibility and yet… my heart is still broken since I made the decision to break it off with him. His heart was obviously broken. He didn’t want me to break up with him, he couldn’t/wouldn’t make the changes I needed (would they ever have really been enough though?) But he didn’t want me to break it off. It’s hard.
Today, I moved a plant from one side of my office to the other, for better light, but it was the same type of plant he has on his balcony that we started together. He calls those plants our daughters… and here I was moving this plant and it broke my heart. I bought the plant to be a positive reminder of our relationship… both of us nurturing our green babies. I hope it can be a hopeful lovely reminder of a very special time in my life soon.
Well that was a depressing entry today! Hopefully tomorrow will be more cheerful! What advice and encouragement do you give your friends when they are going through some heartbreak?
Today’s photo is the central train station in Berlin. Berlin is my favorite place in the world and I cannot wait to get back there. I hope I can go this summer if the vaccine and life calms down enough globally!
You might like this old post of mine: It talks about how I was figuring out my polyamory while I was in a live-in relationship with Said. Of course that has changed again, but the processing I went through is all still part of the learning and growing… Ya know?
This post is part of January Jumpstart. Click the badge to check out who else is starting their year off challenging themselves to post to their blog every day! There are some great sex-positive and sexy things happening over there you will DEFINITELY WANT to check out!