Since meeting DJDM, I have been in this amazing little love bubble. I think about him all the time. I enjoy his company. When I’m not with him I’m thinking about our life together and what we want to do in the future. It’s pretty amazing. The thing is, this love bubble, this overflowing of love and affection has somehow moved into my social media.
My Facebook world is normally pretty locked down. I have what might be considered a small number of people who are allowed to take part in the “real-life” social media adventures of E.L. Byrne. I regularly curate my friend’s list and remove people if I even have a small doubt about why they are there. But despite my careful curation, probably too many people on my friend’s list, are my mother’s friends from when I was growing up. (I’ve removed quite a few, but come on, these ladies were my aunties growing up!)
Now, my closest 435 “friends” are following my travel adventures and keeping an eye on what I am doing. Fine. Good. This is Facebook, that’s what people do. But I am also a 47-year-old divorcee who is living an unconventional life. So, sometimes I feel the scrutiny a little more. For the people following my timeline, my unconventional life is travel; living with two suitcases and a backpack and never staying in the same place for too long. They don’t know that my “unconventional life” also involves multiple romantic partners and writing about sex and relationships.
Except, they might know about the multiple partners, soon. See… by sharing my joy and excitement about my love for DJDM, “everyone” now knows about him. They’re happy for me, they’ve seen his pics, commented on his good looks, and recognized how sad I would be when I left Medellin to go back to Europe. They’ve become invested in my relationship with him.
Until now, when I’ve posted a pic of one of my other partners, Benjamin or Stefan, on any social media, I post pics of us with other pics. Generally, pics of the adventures we are having that day; wandering around downtown Berlin, buying a Christmas tree, etc., but not usually a pic of just them, or just us. I do make loving notes in the comments, “Loved my day with THIS GUY!” etc. But I haven’t gushed about them like I do when I post about DJDM. They could be friends I’m hanging out with. That was partially intentional, partially not. Trying not to let too many of my Facebook “friends” in on the “polyamorous secret,” but also, even when I was monogamous, I never made a big deal of my relationships, until they were really serious.
I always found it interesting though, no one ever noticed these were pics of two different men. I blame the fact that while people are generally interested in other people’s lives, they are more interested in their own than the real details of mine. (Bonus really!) Plus, Stefan and Benjamin are both tall, sandy-haired, bearded Northern Europeans. They look similar enough that when seen in random travel posts, mixed in with other photos, they might not even be noticed as two different guys. (That’s my theory anyway.)
Just a side note, my actual family is aware of my relationship practices. My sister is also in an open relationship, so no concerns there. My brother simply loves me and even though he doesn’t agree with my choices, he doesn’t have a problem with them either. He recently made a comment about my “fellas” in the family chat group. My mom hates that I am non-monogamous but she knows about my lifestyle. She told my sister once that she was very worried about how I would present this to the “world” and how would she deal with it. So far, I haven’t “come out” as polyamorous, but now?
Now, I am back in Germany where I will see both of my other partners and will continue to post the same kind of pics I have always posted of them and our relationships. But now, many of my “ Facebook Fam” are invested in my relationship with DJDM. Seeing posts with me hugging on and having adventures with my German partners could cause questions I hadn’t really planned on them asking, or on me answering!
By sharing my excitement and love for DJDM on my social media, did I just force my own hand? My relationship with him appears to be “traditional” from the outside, mostly because I just haven’t ever shared my relationship with my other partners the same way. (I haven’t had this intense of a relationship since my ex-husband.) But my relationship with DJDM is definitely an open polyamorous one, so posting pics of my other partners is completely acceptable and expected… for us.
But how will it come across to others in my small social media world? Will they even notice? Will I get private messages asking me if everything is ok with me and DJDM? Questions asking why I am posting pics of other men? Or will they assume we’re just friends? Will they notice? Will I ever know the answers to these questions? LOL
I have been here in Berlin for a week and in my first days, I posted a pic of me and Stefan in the car together. A selfie in which he is leaning his head totally against mine and we’re both grinning like cats who captured the canary and are deciding when to eat it! My caption was, “So happy! (Big Puffy Heart) This guy picked me up from the airport and we’ve been able to spend quality time together right away!”
The photo has 15 likes (the post has 70+) and because someone made a comment below it, the pic itself has been separated from the post and people are seeing it alone. So far, no questions, nor relationship comments. This is an interesting social experiment.
Back in June, I posted a pic of my flat in Medellin. On the wall, I have a pic of me and Benjamin and a pic of me and Stefan- didn’t realize it- since they are just part of my daily life. One friend, who I believe IS aware of my relationship style asked, “Whats with the dudes on the wall?” I only answered, “Well you know I have good reasons to go back to Germany right?!” No one said anything else on that picture either.
I’m going to see Benjamin in about 10 days and I am staying for almost a week. There will be pics of him, even more than there have been of Stefan. I guess we’ll see. Have I outed myself as polyamorous? Or not?
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Check out this post describing my relationship structures with these three amazing humans!
I’m Solo-Poly: No Relationship Escalator for Me
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**********Photo by ROBIN WORRALL on Unsplash
People are aware, but oblivious. If that makes sense. They see stuff and ask themselves questions, but most people wouldn’t actually ask the person what they’re thinking. Will you be honest if they ask privately?
I would totally be honest. Most people who know me in my current life know I am poly, its def something I am very open about everywhere except Facebook. (PS I did post pics of Benjamin and I this weekend and will post more tomorrow.. got a couple of “heart” likes.. so that was interesting! LOL)
I agree with Cara, most people will notice but not ask the questions. I know I sometimes see things in my Facebook timeline that I wonder about, but I just shrug my shoulders and move on. That said, I do wonder if anyone would actually ask you anything 😉
Rebel xox
Yeah, I am sure more people notice than speak. After I left my husband it was a long time before people started to ask me what was going on in private messages… XX
Yep, I’m with Marie and Cara. I’m not very careful about outing myself whether that’s about my sexuality, kink life, sex life or relationship styles, at work I’m always making various comments and people pick up on them but they rarely follow through on asking me about whatever they’re thinking. In the year I’ve been at work only two people have asked for clarification and one question was ‘hang on, so do you like girls or boys?’ and the other was ‘wait, so you can fuck other people, not just your partner?’ so the information is being heard, but most people just aren’t that concerned or don’t want to hear the details. Perhaps a lot of your Facebook friends will be the same. They might wonder, but they likely won’t want to ask you anything that might make them feel awkward and in my experience the people asking always feel far more awkward about our lives than we do x
Yeah in my day to day life I am super open- it’s just been FB where I’ve been a little more cautious- but I do still post pics of all the fellas… just hasn’t been quite as obvious as with my crazy loud love for DJDM. Posted pics of Benjamin this week and have some more for tomorrow- so far just a few “heart likes” on the pics.. but no comments… as expected!
I think it would be fun to make more and more obvious photos and see if others notice. I like the idea of an experiment. Personally I have found that people aren’t really that interested, even when I’m prepared to be more open to them about an alternative lifestyle. Best of luck outing yourself
HAHA I like how you think… that’s kind of what I did this week when I posted a pic of Benjamin. Have a couple more to post, probably tomorrow… so we’ll see if anyone says anything. I did get a few “heart” likes on my picture of us… that was interesting.
I think that people see but don’t say too. At the end of the day it’s your business and if they don’t ask, I would assume that is because most are accepting of it. I do think though that often there is one. Usually they are so direct that they ask directly. And often publicly. I realise it must be hard wondering but you speak about your life and relationships so positively and seem so happy with your choices that I think that is what people will see. 😊
Aww thanks… I really am thrilled with the way things are going in my life… and I do think people see my happiness regardless of which man is in the foto… 🙂
I’m a ceramicist, I’m than happy to make one and send it lol
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