I Fall in Love, Just a Little ol’ Little Bit

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPJSsAr2iu0[/embedyt]

(This song is my theme song on my Tinder profile. No one can say I didn’t warn them!)

**********

If you know me, you know I am ‘famous’ for saying, “Love is worth the risk.” I especially love the beginning, that NRE (New Relationship Energy) is addicting and something that I can enjoy over and over and over… you get the picture. If flirting is a skill? Then it’s one in which I am accomplished. It’s fun. It’s generally light-hearted. And for me, it’s super easy.

I have always had BIG crushes. I remember in high school, one of my church youth leaders complaining, loudly to anyone who would listen, “She is SO Boy-crazy!” HA! Yes, I was. Yes, I am. After my first date with Alex here in Medellin, I went back to my flat and was gushing to my BFF about him. “He is adorable! He is so sweet! And cute! And he gave me the best hug!” She laughed and said to my flatmate, “There she goes, falling in love with him. Don’t let her fool you, she always falls in love with them!”

**********

Go take this the wrong way
You knew who I was with every step that I ran to you
Only blue or black days
Electing strange perfections is in any stranger I choose

Would things be easier if there was a right way
Honey, there is no right way

And so I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new

**********

My flatmate was actually pretty surprised, because in my day to day conversations about relationships and romance, I tend to scoff and roll my eyes when I see stupid romantic shit go down on TV or in movies. I tend to think that the modern romantic way we view ‘love’ in our cultures is ass-backward, dumb, and in many ways harmful to women.

When someone says, “Oh, I love him, he is my everything!” those eyes roll up hard, and I throw up in my mouth a little. My flatmate has trouble (like many of us) separating love and sex, and often finds it challenging to navigate some of her own needs and desires. She can find herself frustrated by the lack of attention men give her, or sometimes  by the kind of attention they do give her. She wants romance and sex to ALWAYS mean something. It doesn’t.

I’m ok with that. I don’t believe it’s always possible for it to mean something special or long-term. Sometimes it just is love, for the moment, in that time. Most of us are taught that we can’t be ok with that. We learn from Disney princesses and modern Rom-Coms that we should only have sex with men who love us, want to make tiny humans with us, and live happily ever after. (Yes, I just threw up in my mouth a little- again!)

**********

There’s an art to life’s distractions
To somehow escape the burning weight
The art of scraping through
Some like to imagine
The dark caress of someone else I guess any thrill will do

**********

But wait, EL, you just said, “Love is worth the risk.” That sounds pretty romantic to me! Contradict yourself much?

But is it contradictory to love freely? Give of yourself without expectation? Enjoy the moments you have with someone? Adore them hard AND freely? This past four weeks or so, I have had two amazing, exciting, high energy, sexy relationships crash and burn. TWO! And as I sit here in this super cool cafe, writing this post, I am waiting on a new guy to come over after work and meet him for the first time.

This morning he told me he’s a bit worried over how much he already likes me and he can’t wait to make the best of the rest of the time I have here. He’s super open about sexy things, and like all men here, super flirty and open about their feelings and thoughts. Lots of words! Lots of “Amor, sweetie, doll, cutie, my life, my heart.”

This suits the way I feel when I am here. The weather is hot, the sun is abundant, and the love is sexy, chatty, and super energy filled.

Manipulation in Medellin- One of the relationships that crashed and burned!

Manipulation in Medellin

**********

I wake, at the first cringe of morning
And my heart’s already sinned
How pure, how sweet the love beneath it yeah
You would pray for him

‘Cause God knows I fall
In love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day

**********

For me, love doesn’t have to mean a lifelong commitment. It definitely doesn’t mean I only date or love you. It doesn’t mean we are going to progress in this relationship all the way up the relationship escalator to the pinnacle and get married and be together forever. QUE NO! What it means to me is that I will give you my love. I will give you a lot of my energy. I will commit myself to you and to whatever our relationship looks like at that moment. But I will not put any expectations on it. (ok, I will TRY not to. Let’s face it, monogamy hangover is a thing, and sometimes I have to remind myself of my own real thoughts on the topic because I start to feel the pressure from the outside, or from the things I internalized as a young woman.)

I am comfortable with relationships ending. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when they do, (when you go hard you can often hurt hard too,) but I don’t think a relationship coming to an end marks a failure. I just think it’s changing. Things are moving on. Life is evolving. I am comfortable with relationships lasting and going deep and being passionate in every way. I am comfortable with them in between.

If We Were Monogamous, My Boyfriend Would Not Make the Cut

If We Were Monogamous, My Boyfriend Would Not Make the Cut

I love my nomadic adventures for a while, but I always need to find my way back to a community and my tribe. Ultimately, I would like to live someplace steady again and have one or two close (physically and emotionally) loves, while keeping an extensive network of lovers, flirtations, and NRE generators. I may even want to live with a love again someday, “but not this day!” (Extra points if you are a geek enough to know that ‘quote!’) But in the meantime, this style of Solo Polyamory works for me. Huge crushes, lots of NRE, fantastic energy exchanges, sexy friends.

***********

Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better
Love with every stranger, the stranger the better

And so I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new
I fall in love just a little ol’ little bit
Every day with someone new

**********

Check out the other great posts for Wicked Wednesday this week!

***Songs and lyrics by Hoozier