Facing the Facts

Facing the facts about my comet relationship.

Today’s post is brought to you by the letter F. I really love that I have written every day this month. I know it’s only the 6th, but I haven’t been this consistent in a long time, and it hasn’t even been too much of a challenge to get here- so excited!

**********

So anyway- here we go. I have been having these thoughts for a long time. Longer than I have wanted to admit, I’ve been pushing them to the back of my head. It’s nothing scary, nothing serious, but it was hard to understand this idea. I finally last night said the words out loud to my new beau, “NRE Guy.” He’s also polyamorous and understands how polyamorous relationships ebb and flow and change and grow. I guess that might be why it was easy to talk to him. I mean, that and the fact that I have a huge crush on him and we have just a total way of talking about anything already.

OK- so the big confession is that Stefan has really become more of a comet than a partner at this time in our relationship. I have been worried about acknowledging this fact. I worried that calling him something other than “partner” would demote our relationship and make him seem less important to my life. In a traditional sense, it does. The word partner has so much significance. But truth be told, the idea of a partner, someone you make plans with, grow in life alongside, is something he never was going to be, not even something either of us has ever wanted from one another. So this shouldn’t be a big deal.

There are quite a few definitions of a comet relationship in Polyamory. Most of them don’t quite capture how I feel about Stefan, which is why it has been so difficult to “define” our relationship as such. But then I found this definition on the website Love Uncommon. This one actually works for me.

My comet relationships are with people that are important to me and with whom I retain an emotional bond and often a romantic bond irrespective of the distance between us, but we have no financial or practical enmeshment. When they come closely into my orbit (or I come into theirs), and we get time together either in person or by some sort of online method, our connection is deep and intense and wonderful. There is a beauty that comes with the knowledge that these moments of deep connection will last a relatively short time, and then we will return to being further apart. We spend most of our time much more distant from each other. Going on with our lives, other relationships, friendships, and activities. This spaciousness does not diminish the importance of these relationships, rather it is their essence. Whilst there isn’t constant contact or communication, there remains a continuity within them – of affection, attraction, interest, and desire.

So- this is how I feel about Stefan. He is not someone with whom I am planning my life. We have regular contact when we’re apart, but it’s short texts. It’s only once a week or sometimes two weeks. We adore each other when we’re together. We commit to THIS relationship, and it works for us. But the word partner, especially now that we don’t even live in the same country, carries more weight than is the reality for us.

It’s ok. I look at it the way it’s defined above. He is still special to my life. He will always be the person who set me on the path to polyamory and this amazing way of relating and loving. But we’re not partners. I can say that now. Face the facts.