I have been writing the Evolution of a Polycule posts since 2018. Back then, in Berlin, my polyamorous life was really flourishing. I was having so much fun with my partners, my play friends, random Tinder dates, and more. For a while, I published an overview and graphic of my ever-changing constellations once a month. But life has a way of flowing back and forth, slow and fast. Eventually, the changes were not so frequent and life slowed down a bit and I published the posts only about quarterly, then with this past two years, it’s been annually and/or not at all.
So, I decided to at least get an overview of the year here. That is the point of these posts really, to show interested people that relationships evolve and change, your polyamory can evolve and change, the people you surround yourself with in the world can evolve and change. This is how my Polyam world has changed over this year.
For the majority of 2020, I was in a committed relationship with Dex. It looked very monogamous, probably because due to the pandemic, it mostly was. Also because Dex himself is, as it turns out, a fairly traditional monogamous man. He liked the idea of being ENM when we started and since we really didn’t think this relationship was going to be anything but a few fun nights, we didn’t worry about it too much. Until we fell in love. Yep. I am sure you can see what is coming, and we did too, but we decided to ride the waves and see where it took us.
It took us to broken hearts. Not surprisingly. When I went to Berlin this summer to see Stefan (he’ll be next in this post) it all became too real for Dex and we broke up. Though that was more in words only until I came back and we had a much better conversation about it all and decided it really was for the best that we stay broken up. It has been so much harder than I ever imagined to let him go, to move on without having him in my life. It’s been even more difficult for us to navigate the waters of trying to stay friends. That part is yet to be determined.
He was such a blessing to me over this past year. I came home to the US from a very dark place in my relationship with Said in Medellin. I didn’t really want to move back to the US but I had to go somewhere and with airports closed, you could only go to your home country via a humanitarian flight. I went home. Meeting Dex a few months later was wonderful. He is kind, funny, and just an all-around great guy.
Being with him helped me to readjust to being in the US. Helped me to be ok with being in love again. He helped me settle into my apartment, I cannot look around and not see something he did for me to make my place a home. I had fun adventures and great conversations, and I still miss him every day even though in theory we’ve been broken up since August, (in actuality probably more like the middle of October.) I left him on the graphic because this is an overview of 2020 and he, more than anyone, defined what my relationships looked like because he really was the primary one.
If you have read these posts before, you will know that the one thing that has not changed in my polycule, is Stefan. I learned about polyamory when I met him, almost 5.5 years ago, and while both of our lives have changed drastically over that time, my relationship with him has stayed constant.
This summer I went to Berlin again, finally! (I hadn’t been there since November 2019 and had only seen him once on that visit.) He offered the use of his mostly empty apartment in a most amazing neighborhood in Berlin and I was able to stay there for a little over 2 months. We saw each other almost every week. It was amazing and it was such a time of reconnecting for us. At one point he even remarked how he felt like he wasn’t spending enough time with me but he just didn’t know how he could make more for us. Since he is not the type to really talk about our relationship much, just confessing that was a pretty big deal. When I left he even checked on me a bit more than usual on my trip home. I could tell that the re-connection was definitely not one-sided.
He no longer lives in Berlin, but rather he bought a house in a village in the countryside about 2 hours from our place in the city. He lives there with his other girlfriend and their 5-year old daughter. He only comes to Berlin occasionally to check on his business and manage those kinds of errands. He also has a don’t ask don’t tell (DADT) style relationship with Sherry, so that adds a layer of complexity we didn’t use to have. Their relationship has evolved into this over the years, and while I decided a while ago I would not start a new relationship with someone who does DADT, he and I have been together more than 5 years, so we continue to make it work.
Now, we are back to our usual, texting a few times a month. It’s been a bit harder for me this time because I miss him more now that we had the chance to spend so much time together. Whether he misses me more isn’t really relevant because his life hasn’t changed. The amount of time he has to spend texting or talking hasn’t changed. This is a very non-traditional relationship from the time we met, and it continues to defy what many would consider “normal” and that’s ok. It’s just that in this particular moment, I am missing him and feeling like I need a little more attention. I mentioned it to him last night. Usually, when I do, he is very good about trying to give me a little more time to help me get through these moments.
I met Hess back in the US on OK Cupid. He is dark and swarthy and smart and well established. He is also the only man on his list who is older than me (just a little.) He is already polyamorous which was definitely something I was looking for since I was with Dex at the time we met, and I knew how much of a struggle that was for me. On our first date, we had drinks at this fun little boutique bar not too far from me, then we spontaneously went to the theater and saw a show before he came back to my place for a drink. I really wasn’t sure what I wanted, if anything, with him on the first date. I just knew I really enjoyed chatting with him.
We’ve been on a few more dates since then and the chemistry is out of this world, and the fact that we chit chat and enjoy each other’s company so much really makes the sex even hotter. One night, after a ton of fun in bed, we laid naked on opposite sides of the wet spot, drank some wine, and talked about how each of our restrictive cultures impacted our views on sex and relationships. (He’s Persian from Iran and I grew up evangelical pentecostal). That was a super sexy night on so many levels.
This is still rather a new thing. We went on a few dates before I went to Berlin and then stayed in touch while I was there and had a few more dates when I got back before I came here to Costa Rica for 6-7 weeks. One thing we both know we want is someone who is not going to hold on too tightly, someone who doesn’t need a lot of time or energy right now. I believe relationships should find their level and relationship agreements should always be open for renegotiation, and this relationship level is lovely and light and extremely enjoyable.
We even decided on an official term for him in our relationship! LOL He is my “Review Bae.” I recently started reviewing sex toys on my erotica and sex blog and he has helped me with those reviews twice now and is already lined up to help with the new toys I have waiting for me at home. He’s a good sport and using sex toys doesn’t intimidate him so that makes him an ideal sexual partner for me!
Luis is a Berlin play friend who is evolving into a longer-term friend than I expected. He is from Argentina but works and lives in Berlin. (Except right now he is in Argentina so we’re on the same side of the world, and since I’m in Costa Rica, it feels even closer!) I love having a man in my life who I can speak with in Spanish and not only get practice but allow that vital part of me to thrive. My Spanish is more than just something I practice, it’s something I actually NEED in my life and miss in a very real way when I don’t have a way to use it. My friendship with Luis has really allowed that to come out. He loves listening to me speak Spanish and while he speaks Spanish, English, and German all wonderfully, we pretty much conduct our relationship in Spanish.
Luis and I, as much as we love to chit chat and even as we are growing our friendship since I’ve left Berlin, while I was there this summer, he was mostly a play friend. We’d go out to have a few drinks and tapas and then go back to my apartment and have really amazing, pretty intense, wild sex. He calls me his “Spicy Friend.” He’s pretty darn spicy himself. The next blog post I write on the erotica site is about one of our hot dates and the sex swing in Stefan’s apartment.
Obviously, because I am based in the US and he is based in Berlin, I won’t see him again until the next time I go to Berlin to see my friends and Stefan, and now Luis. He does have a visa for the US so he could also come to visit me there at some point and we have casually chatted about that, but especially with the pandemic the way it is, I don’t see that happening any time soon.
Jonny is the most recent addition to the polycule, but they feel like they’ve been a friend for a long time. We first met because they moderate a local polyamory meet-up with one of their partners. I joined a few of the zoom calls and became familiar with them. Eventually, we connected on Twitter and that’s really where we started to connect more frequently and on a deeper level.
Jonny is also already polyamorous and kinky and has been for a very long time. I don’t have to worry about explaining things or making things easier to handle, because they already have this thing pretty figured out. They live with their wife and her boyfriend, so- yeah this is not an inexperienced person. That alone made meeting them so much more comfortable and relaxing. I knew I would be able to be 100% authentically me with no judgment from the time we first connected.
We live about two hours from each other so we agreed to meet for a dinner date somewhere in the middle. The little place we chose was nice, the food was good, and we had a lovely time chatting in person and getting to know one another better. I really enjoyed their company.
I always say one of the most important things to me is that a relationship finds its level. I don’t want to put a relationship in a box just because a box is what we are most used to. Jonny is on the polycule graphic because our relationship level is more than what a normal monogamous relationship would be comfortable with, even if it wouldn’t be defined as a traditional romance.
I met them as my relationship with Dex was ending and it’s made it a bit difficult for me to have enough emotional space to see them as a date friend or romantic partner right now. However, because I really enjoy their conversations and chats and messaging with them (and I think they do too) we decided that we would be flirty friends and that is working out quite well for us I think. Matter of fact, just this week, we tested out that extra flirty vibe with some sexy chat and picture exchanges that were super hot. It also gave me my new favorite quote, “Come on internet! Let her watch porn!”
No polycule overview would be complete without at least a brief reminder that my best friend is my world! She is the only true constant in my life. We both have other people we love who come in and out of our lives, but those other relationships are completely irrelevant to ours. When I came home to the US, home meant to her. I live in the town I do because it’s where she lives. She is my constant safe harbor. A mirror that shows me a true image of myself, not just what I want to see. She is the one I will grow old with. Maybe I will grow old with others too, but she is my sure thing! <3
Well, there you have it, the current evolution of the polycule. I am quite thrilled to have these amazing humans in my life and I am looking very much forward to new adventures and excitement in 2022.
I am hoping to have enough internet juice (living on a mountain in Costa Rica means you trade amazing views of sunset for MBs) to set up a page on this blog that shows all the graphic representations of the polycule since I have been tracking it. When I get that it will be listed as a page at the top of the blog.
In the meantime you can check out the category- Evolution of a Polycule to see all the posts I’ve written about this since I started tracking.