(Links to other Evolution of a Polycule posts at the bottom.)
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In January I wrote:
“It will be interesting to see how my polycule evolves as I leave Berlin and head to new places in the world. I fully expect Stefan to keep his exact same place on this chart as always, he is my rock. But I am not sure about Benjamin to be honest. We are already long-distance so maybe it won’t be a huge change, but he has a lot in his life now too. I also wonder if people in the rest of the world are ready for me and my constellation of love. I guess we’ll find out and I will keep reporting back…”
So now it has been just about six months since I left Berlin. Six months of trying to adjust. I’ve been in Colombia now for three months. (Just two more left!) And it’s funny, things have changed and yet, they haven’t.
I recently decided to add my BFF to all my constellation/ polycule images. You can read about that here: I have a Life Partner and it’s NOT Who You Think
Benjamin
Let’s start with Benjamin. He has been quite the rock. Not exactly what I predicted for our relationship when I left. (Thankfully!) We don’t talk every day and he is still quite distracted by his dissolving marriage, but he has been very supportive. There have been a few times when I was feeling wobbly, about being away from Berlin, about not loving life some days, or about the dating situation here, and he has been steady, encouraging, and loving.
I do sometimes feel like I don’t get enough attention from him. But that is also nothing new, we’ve had big things going on all around our relationship almost from the beginning. But at the end of the day, I am happy to have him in my life. He is pretty great.
If We Were Monogamous, My Boyfriend Would Not Make the Cut
I have plans to go back to Berlin for a few weeks this fall, and he and I have already made plans for me to stay with him in Hamburg for part of that time. I am really happy about that. It’s nice to know I have time “on the books” with him and he was proactive in figuring his availability with me, and that makes me happy too.
Over the last two weeks, we have had some happy poly moments. He sent me a pic of him and Andi when they went out to the orchestra. They were so lovely all dressed up and he looked peaceful and happy. It made ME happy! Then this past weekend, he went on a date with Alison. Alison is the girlfriend of my former partner, William. (She happens to be my favorite metamour even though we aren’t technically metamours any longer, but maybe we are again? I don’t know LOL) They met last year at my One-Year Berlinaversary party- I was seeing both Benjamin and William then- and they hit it off. They have spent the last year flirting and casually chatting. This week they were finally able to arrange a date. (They were both very kind and very considerate of my feelings in this whole thing, talking to me, ensuring I was ok with these developments as they happened. It was good for us all, I think.) He said it was a very nice time, but too short. They are two of my favorite people, so that makes me happy too.
Stefan
I changed his title on the polycule chart to ‘Comet.’ When I was away last time it was a lot like this. I met him in August 2016 and then traveled for 9 months before going back to Berlin and spending the next 22 months happily in the same relationship I had with him before (growing closer, of course!) We didn’t talk much, we checked in occasionally, but we were both always aware the other was out there.
It’s definitely not like a partnered or boyfriend relationship right now, not that we ever had a very traditional appearing relationship anyway. But I still feel that connection. I know that if things change for him and we could be back in Berlin together, we would be together like we were. He is just that constant presence in my life.
I tried to explain this to someone once. She asked why do I even bother? And I was unable to explain it in a way that satisfied her and we were both frustrated. All I know is, he is an integral part of my heart, even when he’s not part of my life. I am comfortable with his position in the polycule, and in my world. I don’t know if that will change, his position or my comfort, but for now, it’s good.
As an update, he did buy the house and move out to the country to live full-time with his other girlfriend and his little one. We text and talk even less frequently than Benjamin and I do, we always have, but it seems his relationship with Sherry is much more monogamous now, I haven’t actually asked if that is the case. She has always been monogamous to him, but now I think since I am gone and he moved out of Berlin his poly ties are a bit disconnected.
Recently, I asked him how things were going and he said he was “adjusting.” We both talked about how much we miss our Thursday nights. That made my day. Then today when I started writing this, I realized I hadn’t sent him a message in about 2 weeks, so I sent him a text. By the end of the conversation he came right out and told me, “I miss you.” He isn’t one to say those kinds of things so it was especially sweet to hear he does miss our connection.
Colombian Cuties
If you have been following some of my “Week in Review” posts you probably already know that the whole dating scene here has been interesting, if nothing else. There have been a couple of guys who have crashed and burned in a pretty spectacular way. I’ve also had many just fade away into the sunset. Right now there isn’t anyone special. There is one guy who surfaced this week, we’ll see how it goes. He seems to have potential. They all do, for a while. So I guess we will see.
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So there we go. An update on the polycule. Check the links below to see the progress over the past year or so. When I lived in Berlin there were some really busy months. Things looked a LOT different some months!
Evolution of a Polycule- Part 1
The Evolution of a Polycule, 2018 Wrap-up
Evolution of a Polycule- January 2019
The Evolution of a Polycule- March 2019
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Check out the other wonderful contributions to Masturbation Monday here!
How would you feel if your relationship with Stefan dissolved? He’s a fairly long term one, right?
You have such a positive outlook on your relationships that I envy. I wish I could be as relaxed.
I think this will be a blog post. In August it will be 3 years we’ve been together in some form or another. 22 months in the same city 13 months in a similar way it is now. (9 right after we met and 4 since I left this time) I would be very sad, but also I will always be so amazingly grateful that he was in my life. He introduced me to polyam and taught me so much about me and my own body and desires etc. OY! I don’t want to think about it, but I actually do quite a bit.
I know that frustration of trying to explain yourself to someone who isn’t able to understand what you mean or why you do something. But it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else…just you. 🙂
Yeah. I am pretty solid in how I feel- maybe I can’t always articulate why- mostly because my why is so different form the normal I think. Thanks for reading!
I am wondering how it will go with Stefan when you go back and visit in Berlin. I guess it is first then you will find out how monogamous his relationship with his girlfriend is.
Me too… Just this week I got a couple of random (not initiated by me) texts from him which was totally fun and always unexpected. I haven’t told him yet that I am going back in November, I decided I wanted to wait until it’s a little closer.
I really like this idea of a “polycule”. I’ve occasionally thought about putting together a bit of a “polyamory family tree”, but the terminology with which my brain kept referring to it left me cold. Polycule is much nicer!
Yay! The first time I saw the word I kind of loved it! I’d love to see your “family tree/polycule.” I love to see how other people do this life!
I am a student of BAK College. The recent paper competition gave me a lot of headaches, and I checked a lot of information. Finally, after reading your article, it suddenly dawned on me that I can still have such an idea. grateful. But I still have some questions, hope you can help me.