Well- another few months have gone by so it’s time to check up on my “polycule” relationship.
So, in case you are new to the “Polycule Updates“ let me give you a little background. A polycule is a connected network of people in non-monogamous relationships.”
You can see and read links to past updates at the end of this post. When I was in the thick of learning about and growing my polyamorous relationships, I thought it would be interesting to share how my relationships developed and changed. I hoped it would give people some insight into how polyamory can be practiced. My experiences are just that, MY experiences, but I’ve enjoyed keeping track and people have asked me a lot of great questions and learned some new things over the course of doing this, so I am going to keep at it.
Let’s jump right in with Stefan, my longest-term partner. In two months- we will be together for 4 years! I find that crazy… but also it’s great because I can mark the beginning of my Polyamory journey to my relationship with him. I met him in Berlin in early/mid- August and I left for Budapest on September 1st, so we didn’t have much time together, but we stayed together while I traveled the world for other 9-months or so (I have often said I “Tindered my way around the world”) then went back to Berlin and promptly stepped back into our relationship in person. It was then that I really settled into figuring out what polyamory meant to me.
(Here are some stories I’ve written about my relationship with Stefan.)
As we have grown in our relationship, we have done that whole ‘figuring out what it means to us’ thing a few times. The first time I left to travel, living in the same city, and now this second season of traveling, this time for more than a year. Even during this phase, we have had a few ‘times of adjustments.’ I saw him last in November. He picked me up from the airport and I stayed at his place in the city for a week, before moving on to hang with girlfriends. But, it was such a great reconnection. Since then, our long-distance relationship has truly evolved again.
People have asked me, “Why stay in a relationship with someone who you never know if you will see again?, Or why stay connected when you live so far away?” But, I can’t imagine my life without this goofy, ambitious, hilarious, sexy man in my life. He makes me laugh and that alone is worth the price of admission! And in our latest rendition of our relationship, we stay a lot more connected than we have before. I think I have said that the last few “Polycule Updates” because it continues to be true.
Just last week, he sent me an awesome nudie selfie. (One of maybe three I have ever received from him!) The best part is, he had on red tennis shoes, because he is basically a nudist in the summer, and he was just showing me how nice the weather was in the countryside outside of Berlin that day! It did eventually turn into some sexy talk, which is another first for us. I can’t remember a single other time we had any kind of ‘sexting’ going on. I know, sounds unusual for a long-distance relationship where sex is such a central theme in person, but- yeah, we don’t usually do that. But we did, over the course of a few days even, and good lord was that fun.
He told me he reconnected with a former lover of his and since quarantine is mostly over there in Germany, he met her after a business meeting for some sexy times. I think he needed that and because he is having it in person, it’s awakened some of that energy in him again and spilled over for our communication. Thank goodness for that! (See how your partner’s other partner can enhance YOUR relationship with your partner? LOL)
Anyway- for now, US Citizens are not welcome in the EU (even though I haven’t been in the US since Early January) and there are no international flights leaving Colombia anyway, so the evolution of our relationship will continue to be a long-distance version. We do this well. We give each other plenty of space and enjoy the times we can connect. I know one thing. My relationship with Stefan is very special and easy, and he will always be there until he’s not. That’s how this works.
Oh yes, my sexy hot lover man and nesting partner. There have been days, I think we both thought we were not going to make it, dead or alive! But there was a lot of Mercury Retrograde in these days of total lockdown too, so I don’t blame us entirely. The truth is, we ended up in a living situation neither of us was really prepared for and only one of us is 100% comfortable with. The original plan was to live together for three months. During that time find a place for DJDM to live and for me to keep all my stuff for when I would return. Then we were supposed to be off to Costa Rica for a few weeks together to meet my friends. He was going to come back to Colombia to keep working his business and studying English, and I was going to stay in CR until July. July- September I was going to go to BERLIN! (My other happy place!) DJDM was to join me in August to see where the other half of my heart lives, meet my city, my friends, and maybe even Stefan. Then I was going to go on to Scotland for a month to help prepare for and attend one of my best friend’s wedding. Finally to return to Medellin and DJDM in November.
That plan meant the longest we were apart was two-months, but we would also not be in one place the whole time, and I would also have a good deal of access to alone time and my people, my tribe. But, Global Pandemics tend to not care much about one couple’s plans. So not only are we living together, already for 6 months but as far as we can tell, I will be here, at a minimum through the end of the year, potentially longer, depending on how this second wave of the virus goes and how international travel changes. We are living together, in a global pandemic in a country that has maintained very rigid lockdown rules. Talk about trial by fire!
Add that to the fact that I do not have a big “tribe’ here. I really just have two girlfriends who also have new live-in relationships they are navigating and we cannot go out and meet each other anyway. It’s been tough. Recently DJDM and I also realized how difficult it’s been to really keep our goal of having a “different kind of relationship” in mind. We really have only had each other to meet all of our needs, and that is definitely not what either of us believes or what we want for our relationship. Lots to think about. But also, I am glad we are coming to those realizations because it makes it easier to go lightly with each other in our current format.
Speaking of the current format, our lockdown is finally loosening (for how long, we don’t know with a second wave of the pandemic seemingly creeping up) so we are both trying to get out more. It’s harder for me because of my lack of friends, but I recently turned Tinder back on, so I have an opportunity to meet potential play friends, partners, or whoever. He has some music friends he’s been getting out to see and a few days ago he also turned on his Tinder account. It’s hard for him here because prostitution is legal, so lots of the women on Tinder are actually trying to sell something to the men, not just meet a nice guy for a date. But he is slogging through, and both of us have a potential person who could become a nice date or more. So that is super exciting, and talking about it together is fun too.
There is one guy who used to be in a polyam relationship with whom I am hoping to meet up. Maybe even today. Another guy I started talking to last year but our timing just wasn’t there. I thought I would meet him last week, but his risk-tolerance for the virus is much stricter than ours (and we have been VERY strict) so he doesn’t want to meet until more of this whole thing is past us. Fair enough, everyone has their own risk tolerance and I respect that. There is another guy who really is just looking for a threesome, but I might be open to that (and DJDM is definitely open to that), so I’ve been chatting with him a bit. (These guys will get names when I am more sure of their place in my world.)
Sadly, I have talked to a few men on Tinder who are on “secret” accounts and their partners do not know they are talking to other women. They see that I am Polyamorous and they make some huge leaps about my relationship and assume it is also secret or cheating. But cheating is definitely outside my wheel-house so they had to go to the “unmatched” pile. Oh well. Onward and upward.
I actually like dating. I find NRE incredibly fun, flirting is great, and I don’t get too stressed when things don’t work out. Dating is fun for me, so I am hoping this becomes a fun new phase. (As long as the pandemic continues to abate.)
So there we go. Another update in the books. Life could be worse. It’s definitely not as exciting as it was when I was new to this whole thing, and living in Berlin. But I would also say, my relationships are more fulfilling and interesting, so that’s a huge bonus too! You can find more Evolution of a Polycule posts here:
Linking up this week to Beyond FetChat! This week’s Fetchat was all about Polyamory, so it’s the perfect week for me to finally connect with this awesome newish Meme! Thanks!