So, finally I feel like my life is “sufficiently polyamorous” again to post regular quarterly polycule updates. Don’t get me wrong, I am always “sufficiently polyamorous” partnered or not, but currently my life and relationships are actually reflecting that reality again.
It’s hard to update on our relationship, when I haven’t seen him since last fall in Berlin and I won’t see him again until the coming fall. Our usual infrequent (mostly weekly or biweekly) communications continue apace. Neither of us worries much about how long we go in between texts. Every once in a while we go through a flurry of communicating, then back to our usual confident but infrequent communication.
We have been together 5.5 years. Probably because of the distance! LOL Ours is the longest romantic relationship I have ever had, and was my first polyamorous one. We met in Berlin in 2016. He introduced me to the concept of non-monogamy as well as opened an amazing world of sexual adventures I never knew could exist. Our relationship is the easiest, most relaxed I have ever known. We work on the premise of no expectations and no rules. Wait, we have one rule. “Don’t Die!”
When we are together, there is laughter, nakedness, amazing sex, and a lovely companionship. I was asked once if I would give him up for “the right” person. I asked back, why should I? He means the world to me. We have the least traditional relationship I have ever had. Yet we have a commitment to this relationship; This relationship with no traditional trajectory. Our amazing in person connection needs no time to reignite. Just because it doesn’t look traditional, doesn’t mean it’s not important to me.
Hess- Review Bae
Hess and I have a lovely casual relationship. We have fun together. We usually sit at a local bar, eat small plates, drink delicious cocktails or wine, and talk all evening. Then we go back to my place and have totally fun chats and, of course, sex. He is the man I turn to for help reviewing sex toys for my erotica and sex blog.
Recently, we have talked about making dinner at home (he insists he will be my sous chef) with some friends of mine. That would be an interesting escalation of our relationship. One I am totally not opposed to, but I am not sure what that would mean for us. He has also offered to meet my new beau anytime I want. I do love some connected kitchen table polyamory!
Louis – NRE Guy
Speaking of a new beau… I am super crushing on this guy. He is gorgeous (adorable and sexy at the same time) smart, ambitious, speaks Spanish, (I love having Spanish in my life!) and polyamorous! I met him at the local polyam meetup and we instantly connected. There was so much energy between us, I promise you, no one who saw us at the meetup will be surprised we’ve started seeing each other.
Our first date was so easy, so comfortable. After eating and having a few drinks at a local bar, we came back to my place. Even though we had only held hands a bit up until that point, I remember I wrapped my arms around his shoulders from behind and asked him what he wanted to drink. It was a fun moment, and totally comfortable! Our whole evening was like that, there was nothing awkward at all.
The next week he was going out of town, so we snuck in a late night visit, as he said, “Otherwise, I won’t see you for 12 days!” We snuggled on the couch and we talked and talked. I love spending time with him so much. He is also a very kind and delicious lover! The whole package.
It’s still very new. We have not had enough time to get to know each other to be able to say what this is. I prefer to let the relationship find its level and allow it to be what it is to be. I don’t want to put anything on it concerning what it will or won’t be until we’ve had more time to get to know each other. But I very much look forward to finding out.
This is the most complicated relationship in this whole post. He is monogamous. We both went into this relationship with our eyes wide open, but I think the expectations will always be a mismatch. This is our second time dating each other. The six months we were not together were awful. I missed him. I cried- a lot. When I was finally feeling like I was getting over him, we got back in touch and before we knew it, we were back together. (You can see I have written a lot about him.)
We were moving along happy together and knowing what we were doing (mostly.) But what neither of us expected (though I expected it to happen eventually) was NRE guy. I realized we hadn’t re-discussed our agreements for when we told the other about someone new. Once he knew I had been on a date with NRE guy, we had a new discussion. Our agreements are now clear, but once he realized I was “adding another man with whom I’d be having sex,” it really threw him off.
He has often said, “I have found my person and I don’t like to share.” (Yes, we’ve talked about me not being a possession he can “share.”) He had gotten at least mostly comfortable with Hess being a local man I was having sex with. But that is once a month and he was already stressed since at the new year our weekends flipped and I had seen Hess on the same weekend he has free. But sleeping with two other men is just a lot for him to wrap his head around. I was also completely honest about the fact my feelings for NRE guy are already more than Hess and I would probably want to see him more often than Hess as well.
We had two bottles of wine, we told each other our deepest thoughts about the whole thing, I thought about not being with him, how miserable I was those six months before and I cried. A lot. Then we went into the bedroom and had wild sex, curled up together and went to sleep. He is away this weekend and in two weeks we have plans to drive south to see my mother for Easter. He said nothing will change and he will still go with me. Nothing will change, he still loves me. But I know this is weighing on his heart and he is thinking. (He is a secret thinker!) He is trying to decide if he can keep doing this with me being in these other relationships or not.
The only thing I know at this point is, if he decides he cannot, we will de-escalate not totally break up. We both know we are not willing to be without the other in our lives. So, for now? Nothing has changed, though shortly, everything could. We’ll see.
My Argentinian friend in Berlin. We are regularly in touch and I totally expect we’ll spend some time together when I am back in Berlin this fall. He’s fun and easy to talk to. (You might notice that is a common theme- I have to be able to really talk to someone in order to truly connect with them!) He is a play-partner. We have no definitions or expectations about this relationship. We’ll see each other, drink some wine and have really great sex when I see him. It’s something to certainly look forward to when I go to Berlin!
Lest I be remiss and only talk about the romantic entanglements I have in the polycule, I will always mention my BFF who is my life-partner. She is always going to be part of my life and no matter how many romantic relationships either of us have. It’s still pretty much us against the world. We have been called a “self-contained unit” and that is an accurate take on our friendship. Next year will be 30 years since I met her and almost from the first day- she has been THE person in my life. I may not always love living in this town, but I will always love that for the first time in pretty much our whole relationship, we live in the same town. I can pop-round to see her at any random moment. We can last minute decide to go run Saturday errands together and grab lunch. We can help each other with random home things, we can walk to cool things in our city and meet in the middle. I came home to her when I left my husband. I came home to her when I left Said and moved back from Colombia. She is my anchor, my north-star. She is an essential part of my life, so she has a significant place on this chart as well.
You can read past “Evolution of a Polycule”posts- HERE!