Dildos and Other Important Add-Ons for Sex in the 2020’s

Since today is D in the AtoZ Blog Challenge, I thought what better topic for a sex-positive blogger to write about than dildos. I don’t often write about sex in any specific ways on this blog. I usually save that for the www.lustitude.com blog. There you can find erotica- both fiction and mostly real, toy reviews- both normal and erotic, and sometimes “How to” guides. This post won’t be any of those things… Honestly, it’s just a bunch of my random thoughts on the topic of bedside apparatus that I find helpful/necessary for even more fun and exciting sexy times!

I have a sort of filing system for my dildos, toys, and accouterments in the bedroom. Because my bedroom is very spacious, my side tables are the size of small 3-drawer dressers, instead of little end tables. On the “guest” side of the bed, the top drawer has lube, condoms, silicone cock rings, earplugs, and a face mask. If my guest needs anything else, he will have to supply it for himself. I think that is a pretty good start!

On my side, things are a little more complicated. I sort my items from “first date friendly” to “we will need to know each other very well indeed” starting from the top drawer.

  1. TOP DRAWER- The normal life stuff such as a remote control for the TV, nightly allergy meds, a notebook, and paper. (Boring) But also, more importantly for this discussion, this is where a large selection of lubes and massage oil can be found. I think at last count there were 5 different bottles of lube of various types. There are also my two vibrators (in case one is out of charge!) and a small bottle of poppers. I really do expect that anyone I date will not be queasy or awkward about lube and maybe a vibrator.
  2. MIDDLE DRAWER- This is for someone I have been on a few dates with (and the drawer I use the most in general.) These are all average-sized dildos and plugs. A few that require batteries (but I don’t even know if I can charge them- I use them so seldom.) Mostly gorgeous handcrafted silicone dildos made by boutique sellers. None of them is “life-like” they are all beautiful colors and hand-poured mixes. I think I will leave the actual number of these toys to the imagination. But let’s just say, there’s more than a non-sex blogger would have but fewer than an experienced toy reviewer would have!
  3. BOTTOM DRAWER- If you have made it to the bottom drawer, I trust you implicitly, we have great chemistry, and we’ve discussed our kinks and other exciting things about what we want from our sex life together. This drawer includes a basic BDSM kit, a few gorgeous wood paddles, a crop, my “size queen” dildos, and a sex towel that keeps our bed dry and clean. (I will use that even if you’re still a drawer one date! LOL)


I sometimes forget that the whole world is not as open about sex or as knowledgeable about things like toys and lube etc. I am an active member of the sex blogging community- this blog being in the top 100 for three years running. I am also very active on NSFW Twitter. (Yes there is such a thing!) So my social media is a lot of great mostly naked bodies, talk about sex, reviews for toys, toymakers, erotica writers, etc. My world is very much involved in sex and sexuality. Talking about it to normalize it has been a very important part of my life since I started blogging.

When I first started dating my partner Dex, he was very intimidated by even the second drawer. He was the first man I had dated in years who wasn’t polyamorous, hedonist, kinky in some way, or very open to those things. I had to learn how to help him be comfortable with using the toys if I want to use them. (I DO want to use them!) Honestly, I was so unprepared for his resistance that I probably didn’t do a good job. We have come to a place a year and a half later, where he will go into the second drawer and pull out the smallest of the toys and use it, and then be very proud of himself for it!

What is it about men that causes so many of them to be intimidated by dildos? In his case, he once told me that toys are for people in a long-term committed relationship, not for people “just dating.” So, introducing them into our sex life so early was more intimate than he felt we were. Also, because of our polyamory/monogamy mismatch, despite the fact that we’re as in love and as committed as we can be, our relationship will probably never reach the level of “togetherness” he associates with toy play.

I have another partner, Hess, who is ALL ABOUT THE TOYS! He was interested from our very first date. So much so, that as I started venturing into the world of toy reviews, he is the person who I usually ask to test them out with me. He isn’t scared of the big dildos or the alien dildos. We even tested out a sex-doll torso once! One of the benefits of polyamory is I have Hess to play in sex the way I like to with toys etc, and I can still have loving but less accessorized sex with Dex.


I warned you that this post would be a plethora of random musings about dildos and other things.


Another thing I believe many people see with a bit of intimidation or more likely misinformation is lubricants. Women are sort of conditioned to believe that we should always be naturally wet when we are in sexual situations, especially when we’re happy and into what is happening. But that is not always the case. You can look up how arousal and desire are not the same thing and can even be in conflict with one another at any given time. Sometimes as we get older, we experience vaginal dryness too. But a good lube goes a long way. Have you ever had a sex session go on for a long time? You’re enjoying it and loving being with your partner, but good lord things are starting to rub? Here’s where a good lube comes in handy! If you are using any kind of toy, lube is almost a requirement to make them slide better. There shouldn’t be any shame or stigma about using lubricants if you simply want to or even need to use them.


A vibrator is different than a dildo- though some dildos do vibrate. Vibrators are generally designed to stimulate your external genitalia, specifically the external clitoris. A well-placed vibrator with your preferred intensity and rhythm can be the perfect tool to enhance your orgasm (or cause it) either alone or in partnered sex. I have one that has a warming head. It is totally the toy I never knew I needed and now it’s the vibrator I prefer to use most of the time!


OK- now that we’ve covered all of that, here are a bunch of links to really great fellow sex bloggers who spill the tea and give you all the info you need if you want to know more about dildos, lube, vibrators, and more! I’ll also include links to some of my favorite retailers. (None of the links are affiliate links at the time of publishing this post. If that changes- I will update the post.)

Just a few of my favorite retailers: 

  • The Kinkery- paddles and other hitty things
  • Godemiche– Absolutely gorgeous custom made dildos and toys
  • Big Shocked– If you are ready to check out fantasy and alien-style toys- this is a great place to look! (I do write reviews for them but this is not an affiliate link. You can see my reviews written as erotic stories on www.lustitude.com)
  • The warming vibrator I love- Svakom Emma

Amazing resources from fellow sex bloggers who actually write about this stuff- not just post random musings! 

(I’ll update this list if I find more in the next few days!)


More posts from this blog you may enjoy:

Chasing Orgasms

Advice for the Newly Non-Monogamous

It’s OK to Have Everything I Want

Love is Worth the Risk

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