Chasing Orgasms

Earlier this month I read a piece on orgasms by the amazing Girl on the Net (GOTN) (If you haven’t read her blog it is a pure gold mine of sex and relationship content. Some of my erotica has been featured as audio porn on her site! I highly recommend you check her out!) I read a post titled- How to Fuck Me Till I Come and Why You Shouldn’t. I have really been thinking about this post quite a bit and considering how (and maybe why) I so strongly relate to the whole premise. It even prompted an impromptu conversation at brunch with my BFF. But we’ll get to that.

The premise of her post is this… There is a way to make her come, but in order to do so, they will miss out on all the other fun things that sex can be about. She’d rather do those delicious exciting things than have a laser focus on the goal of her having an orgasm. She is also ok if her partner orgasms, even if she doesn’t.

If you want to fuck me till I come, there are lots of things we’ll have to ignore or brush past: the spanking and the moaning and the talking and those moments when you grab me and flip position, in that filthy-sexy way you do when you’ve got a new idea.

Come for me, but I might not come for you. I am fully aware of how unfair this sounds. That I’m telling you to fuck me like you’re wanking, do what feels good on your dick, do what you need to do in order to come yourself… while also telling you that an orgasm isn’t what I particularly want. But sex doesn’t have to be equal in order to be fun.

I know, I know (she does too- she talks about it in the post as well) everyone loves a great orgasm. The orgasm gap is also very real, and it sounds counterintuitive to say, as a woman, maybe my orgasm isn’t as important as yours. But hang in for the ride, because I agree with her premise completely.

I write erotica on my other site Lustitude.  For the sake of the story, for the excitement we all expect, and to build up to a literal climax, I write an orgasm into almost every story. The amazing Sex Scientist stories are among my most popular, they have been commissioned as an e-book at a German Publishing house and made into audio porn by GOTN. But truth be told? I rarely have an actual full-blown orgasm when I have sex with him. BUT he is, hands down, one of my favorite lovers of all time. Yes, you read that correctly. The things he does to my body, the way we play, the slight power dynamic between us, is the hottest amazing thing. The things we do in our sexy times are just not things that will give me an orgasm. (I have had plenty of orgasms on my own, thinking of all the things we do together though!)

Like many women, clitoral stimulation is the key to my orgasm. Not necessarily directly on it or by high-intensity rubbing, but rather a little above the hood, and/or strong pressure on my pubic mound. I can come with a penis inside me IF he is also laying on me in such a way he is hitting the inside clitoris and maybe my g-spot and putting pressure on my external clit. BUT as GOTN notes in her post, is not always the most interesting or delicious way to have sex. (Don’t get me wrong- sometimes it is!)

But honestly, that kind of sex can’t be the only thing we do. Orgasms are cheap and abundant. I can have five wanks in a day when I’m at home: I’m here with you because wanking doesn’t cut it.

I love sexy dirty messy and often kinky sex. Even things that don’t necessarily give me orgasms. I ENJOY those things, I enjoy the play, I enjoy the talking and laughing and interactions. I might come, I might not. But if I don’t it’s totally ok! I am not here to chase an orgasm. I am here to have fun, play, enjoy each other’s bodies, do very pleasurable things. As GOTN also mentions, I do understand that it is likely my partner will orgasm even if I don’t. I am ok with that too. Almost nothing turns me on or gives me as much joy as when my partner is having so much pleasure from the things we do that they cannot take it another minute. I love the moaning, the yelling out, the satisfaction of seeing their orgasm, knowing I had a hand in it.

Yes, I see the irony here. Wouldn’t he like to see me enjoy that same experience? I certainly hope so! But if the whole night is just a straight arrow pointing at orgasm, and there are no other side trips or places to explore, I think we’re missing out. It really is such a specific way that I KNOW I will come, (and even then there is no guarantee) that if he is only focused on that ONE moment, all the other moments don’t get to exist. And what if orgasm is the focus and it doesn’t happen? Then there are sad faces all around and instead, something that could be incredibly wonderful and connecting, feels sad and unsatisfactory to one or both of us. I should also mention that if my partner does NOT orgasm, I am comfortable with that too. Sometimes it’s just not going to happen for them either. I’d rather allow both of us the leeway to feel what we feel and enjoy the time together without the pressure for either of us to achieve a specific goal.

Now, this could easily be totally taken out of context. I have actually had a partner who “knew how I felt about orgasms” say to me, “I knew I could just go for it this morning because you don’t even care if you come anyway.” Sir! That is not what I mean. Not even close. Unless we are doing some kind of consensual play where you deny me orgasms or some other kind of fun, then this is not an invitation to completely ignore me and my needs or use me as a tool to get you off. You have a hand or a masturbation sleeve for that. All of this, “I am OK if I don’t orgasm” is predicated on the idea that we are still working towards mutual pleasure and fun. If you’re planning to just jump on there, stick it in and go for it, without any concern for my pleasure or enjoyment, then this bet is off. I hope this could go without saying, but since this HAS happened to me, then we can see it clearly must be said.

We do not have to chase orgasms, but we do have to be in the moment, connected, responding to one another’s needs and desires. You know- good sex practices. 


I was talking to a man (with whom I was going to have sex soon) about this and he enthusiastically agreed with my sentiments. He noted that the focus on orgasm had ruined more than one sexual experience for him. “Sometimes I don’t come either. It happens. One time when it happened my partner was so focused on me having an orgasm, that when I didn’t, she got all weird about it. Felt it was her fault, blamed her performance, making it awkward, and all about the disappointment SHE felt that I hadn’t had an orgasm. In the meantime, I thought (until that moment) that we had a great time and I really enjoyed myself. I just wasn’t going to be able to come that night.” He went on to express that taking the focus of having an orgasm off the table, actually makes it more likely he will orgasm and also takes a lot of pressure off the sexy times. This in turn makes them more enjoyable for him and easier to enjoy trying new things with his partner. He thanked me for bringing it up and said it made him feel more comfortable going into our own first sexual encounter together.

On the other hand, when I brought this up to my BFF over brunch a few weeks ago, it brought up a more contemplative moment. She told me absolutely when she and her partner have sex, it is the goal for her to come as many times as he can make her come, and then for him to come himself. Now I do think it’s important to note that just because I feel this way about sex and orgasms (well,  GOTN and I do) it doesn’t mean you or anyone else has to. As we talked about it, BFF was clear that she very much enjoys her sex life with her partner and it has never been an issue. But, as she does, she thought about it a moment (she’s very good at self-reflection) and she wondered, “Hmm, I don’t know if we’re missing anything because of that focus. Maybe there could be MORE if that wasn’t the plan so to speak. I see what you’re saying. But I just don’t know.”

That’s simply another reason why we should be talking about sex with one another. Being open about our sex lives and sexuality should be a more normal thing, so we can figure “stuff” like this out. Hear other opinions and ideas and see how they fit or don’t. I have pretty much always felt this way, but it wasn’t until I read the post by GOTN did it really become something I realized I needed to put into words. Sharing our thoughts and ideas, even into the big bad void of the internet, can help normalize pleasure, close the orgasm gap, help each other realize we are not alone out there.


If you enjoyed this post, I recommend these others:

The State of my Sex Life

I Am in a Relationship With the World, and Berlin is my Primary Partner

Building a Mono-Poly Relationship, Maybe?

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