The other day I was re-introduced to a phrase I had heard and identified with before but hadn’t really thought much about in the time since- megasexual. For some reason, this time it resonated with me more than the last time, and I had some thoughts. As you know, when I have “thoughts,” I tend to share them with you all.
Megasexuals are characterized as individuals who lack emotional [romantic- MY addition] connection toward any person or persons unless they first form a strong sexual connection with someone. The level of sexual connection it takes for an emotional bond to form is often dependent on the initial attraction to the person. It is an orientation that is not chosen but often discouraged due to sex-negative attitudes.- The Frisky Fairy
And for a “megasexual” the “who” doesn’t get prioritized until after the compatibility of sexual frequency and desire has been established and/or achieved.- Polyammering Blog
So what’s all this about anyway?
For a long time, I’ve understood that, for me, one of the primary ways I express my romantic, loving feelings is through sex. If I don’t have a strong sexual connection, it is likely our relationship either will not last or may feel very unsatisfying to me. I have also always had a very strong sex drive. I want to have sex more often than many of my partners, and definitely more than most of my girlfriends tell me they do. I have zero problems having sex on the first date, and honestly, usually plan for it. If it doesn’t happen that way, of course, it’s fine. I am not going to MAKE someone want to have sex with me. I can wait and have waited for sex to happen. The thing about that waiting is, that I can start to develop a little crush, maybe, but I am not going to develop strong feelings for someone until we DO have sex.
I’ve known this for a long time but never thought much about it and never put it into words. I love sex! I am a sex blogger because I love to talk about sex. I love to discuss relationships and how they relate to sex. I also want a lot of great sex in my life and tend to feel unfulfilled when not having it. (Like right now!) All those things I knew, but until recently, I never really thought about what that means to me in relationships.
Once my ex-husband asked me what I would do if he was ever injured in some way that made him unable to have sex. (He never should have asked that!) My response was, “I am not willing to live a sexless life. We would have to work something out.” That was even before I really understood about open relationships or polyamory. But what I DID know was that my life would not work without sex in it and that my relationship with my husband would never be the same if we weren’t connecting meaningfully sexually.
OH SHIT! We truly weren’t connecting sexually at all by the end of our relationship. There was even a body pillow barrier between us in the bed. Geesh! Well on top of all the other crap I was going through in that relationship, not having sex definitely did not make the situation any better for sure!
Anyway- sorry I digress…
If you read the whole post on the Frisky Fairy website- you will be reading almost all my feelings as she writes them for herself!
I can love someone deeply (and I have a few people I love dearly) but I’m not in love with them in the ways that I am with partners I’m having sex with.
“I’m a megasexual in that I often cannot experience romantic feelings for someone I don’t have a sexual connection with.”- Frisky Fairy
Romantic or Emotional Connection?
For a while now, I have also been trying to figure out what a romantic connection means to me vs. an emotional one. Ramona Quaxli (@RamonaQuaxli Twitter) both brought the term megasexual back into my mind, and also had a great thread asking people what romantic love means to them. (Ramona basically inspired this whole blog post, you see!) People said, “Romantic love is when I get tingly feelings about someone.” Or “I know it’s romance when I want to be with them all the time.”
I have been thinking and thinking… My good friend @BeStillMyBeaten asked that same question months ago and it kept rolling around in my brain. I have really struggled to figure out what romantic love means to me.
Then- I learned more about being Megasexual and it totally hit me! (I probably knew but this answer is not the “good” answer for a nice older lady like me…) Romantic love for me begins when I have a physical/ sexual relationship with someone. I can certainly have sex with people and not “fall in love” with them. (I don’t believe in falling in love- but that is a totally different blog post.) But if I am going to have romantic feelings, sex has to be part of the relationship equation. Not only that, but a strong attraction and real sexual compatibility, not something weak or tenuous.
… you just said you can’t feel emotional feelings unless you have sexual feelings for them?
– For me, emotional connection and romantic connection are similar and overlapping, but different. – graphic and quote via Frisky Fairy
I saw this graphic and was so “YES- Exactly THAT!” I am happy to have mostly sorted out the conundrum of what is romantic love for me. It has to have a sexual component or there just isn’t romantic love.
What Else Did I Realize?
As I was in the shower yesterday, thinking about being a megasexual, I had another thought to work out. Does being a megasexual also impact how I feel after breakups? (TLDR: YES!) I have always felt like I get over a romantic relationship fairly easily. I usually don’t spend a lot of time brooding or being upset about them. (Obviously, this is a generalization. But even after my divorce- clearly there was a lot to process, but I feel like I was able to move on rather quickly.) I sometimes have wondered if the ease in which I move from romantic to not romantic feelings meant I was never truly in love with that person. I wondered if it had to do with how I choose to be in love instead of “falling in love.” I wondered if there was something wrong with me that I can so easily flip the switch from a romantic relationship to a friendship or to nothing at all.
But now that I am thinking about how being a megasexual might work, there isn’t anything wrong with me, it’s just how I work inside. No more sex means no more romance. Of course love can take time to get over and go away- but I believe my ability to be friends with my exes stems from this whole thing.
Then I read this on the Frisky Fairy website and it more or less confirmed my suspicions for me!
Okay, but what happens when you stop fucking someone?
– What, you thought you’d trick me here? Sometimes my feelings morph into something more platonic. Deep and loving, but not romantic. Rarely, I maintain a romantic relationship with someone I’ve seen long-term, but often because we’re able to find a way to connect in other ways. I can’t create that romantic, emotional connection with someone without sex, but if the sex creates that connection, I can usually keep it up.- Frisky Fairy
So, now what?
Honestly, I don’t know. How will this information inform my decisions or thought process going forward? Well, that remains to be seen. How will I have this discussion, if necessary, with new partners? How and when, or even SHOULD I disclose this info? It definitely helps me to feel a little more comfortable in my own sexuality and responses to romantic love knowing that this is an actual “thing” and I can identify with it. For now, that will have to be enough. Eventually, after I have lived this truth and processed it, and used it to help me figure things out, I will come back and give a report. But in the meantime- onward and upward!!
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