The State of my Sex Life

Thank you. Thank you.

My Polyam People, Boyfriend, Friends, Swingers, Polycule Members, and my Fellow Bloggers and Readers:

Eight months ago I embarked on a new journey, another phase in the long stretch of time called “My Life.” It was an exciting but unexpected twist to the plot I had designed for myself.  Thoroughly unexpected and precipitated by a great drama that I still find difficult to talk about. Unexpected change can make or break you and there have been times in the past few months, I have wondered if I was going to break, but I stand here before you today to tell you, I am determined to be strong, to accept my current circumstances and move forward as I always have tried to do, with dignity and honor.

Ha ok enough of that pomp and circumstance- let’s just have a real talk!

The first few months were spent in the loving cocoon of my best friend’s home. Having her there to constantly connect with and discuss things that came up and get a second eye on all situations was a blessing. It helped me to sort out a lot of my feelings, and even though I knew she was not thrilled with some of my ongoing connection to my past, she kindly and gently gave me room to get to that place on my own. (She knows me so well!)

However, two grown women living in a single-household is not exactly conducive to an active sex life. In addition, dealing with the way I left Colombia and the trauma from that situation did not make dating exactly a priority. There were two or three dates between two guys, one sexy date even, but nothing that had any traction for an ongoing “thing.”

For the past five months, I have been very focused on setting up my home and the nesting instinct took over hard-core. Most of my time has been spent thinking about, shopping for, and making changes to my apartment decor. Making this space a home has been a dream and I adore the space I have created for myself.

As I have settled into my new home, I did set out again on the dating apps to reach out and meet new people. The pandemic is not making this easy either, with having to not only have the conversations about safe sex and multiple partners but about pandemic safety, social distancing, mask-wearing, and eventually vaccinations.

My polyamory is not an asset in my new home town. It is even less the norm than I had hoped. My kinkiness could be ok, but I still haven’t really found that community to connect with (See Global Pandemic) to be sure there really IS an open and kinky community here.

For a very short period, I was dating a guy- Lux. I wish he had made the cut… actually with him it was more like, I didn’t make his cut. He is monogamous, but at the time of our initial discussions, he was very interested in exploring something different. But like many people who are monogamous (I am finding this more and more here where I now live) he only saw my non-monogamy as “hooking up.” Not actual loving committed relationships.

Too bad too cause sex with him was exciting. He was dominant and pushy and a little mean and rough. All things I love. He was willing to jump right into the toy box and pull stuff out to play with, though he was definitely intimidated by the “third drawer” (where the BDSM and BIG toys hide) I think in time he could have made it all work.

But, he met someone he preferred to spend time with who was willing to give him the monogamous dream and he went in that direction instead. I probably should have learned my lesson. But I had already met another nice man- Dex. He is so much nicer than I expected. I have come to care for him quite a bit more than I expected to over the past four months. So, what’s wrong with that you ask? (Sigh)

We are definitely mismatched in our sex drives, and when he is driven to take me to bed, our instincts are very different, our experiences not to be compared. He can’t really picture a sex life that’s much different from what he’s always known. He has a heavy hand and doesn’t really respond when I try to show him something different. He’s not offended or anything, he just is not getting the “hint.” He is, however, getting very good at recognizing if I haven’t come yet and he has and he is more than willing to grab the vibrator and help me out.  Other types of toys MIGHT be accepted, but that’s something you do with a lifelong partner, not “just someone you date.”

This brings us to that. He knew when we started dating I was non-monogamous and polyamorous. He has never been in this kind of relationship, and he has never been very interested in asking a lot of questions. I did set forth my boundaries and expectations in the beginning and he agreed that he was willing to join me in this relationship. Turns out, he didn’t know what he didn’t know.

Now that he knows (dating non-monogamously is a lot of “knowing” and learning) he realizes that it is really not for him. So while he has surprised me more than once with his openness and acceptance about my sex drive, my desires, and how it is important to me… he is not similarly accepting of other men in my life. He recently let me know that if I did end up dating someone else, he would not be able to continue to be with me.

He also really cannot call me his girlfriend, even though for all intents and purposes, that’s what I am, because for him those words have meaning and that is not the meaning of what we are doing together right now. It’s not been much fun in our discussions and decisions lately because we know we’re already too far in to avoid being hurt. No matter how or when we part ways, it’s going to hurt. The only good thing is that at least we will do it because of open honest communication, not because of lies and deceit.

But now, I have the potential to meet other men. Men who might be able to meet my sex drive needs, which would take some of the pressure off Dex, but while he hasn’t expressly said this, I don’t feel like he is open to me having a non-emotional open relationship for sex with someone else either. So, yeah… I won’t be getting my sexual needs met regularly for a while yet.

Now that we have had this discussion, I am thinking about every new person I might meet and wondering if I do this, is it worth losing Dex over? Because that is what is going to happen. Our current agreement, and even in light of these conversations we have not revised it, is that if we meet someone we want to “spend more time” with we will tell the other person. So for now, I have only been texting with someone, and I haven’t met anyone who I have to make that agreement stand yet.

But in the end, I fear it is going to come down to… Do I want to have more sex and maybe sex that better suits my needs in that department, or do I want to have this companion, this really sweet partner I do fun things with and enjoy his company so much? Yeah, this sucks. Though I do have to say, I will probably choose the sex, because the emotional toll of the relationship that is going to end anyway, might not be worth the gathering pain if we stay together longer and longer.

So- my dear readers, this is the state of my sex life right now. Not enough, and not much hope on the horizon.

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3 Replies to “The State of my Sex Life”

  1. You know, E.L., we’ve had this trouble in our marriage several times. He has that poly itch and a much higher sex drive, and it’s definitely caused a lot of heart ache. We stick together and have made it through because of communication and our commitment to each other, but had I known early on that he would need these things, I probably would have gone another way. I’m not sure he knew he needed this things early on. so it’s definitely good you are having these conversations now and making these decisions on sound information. People don’t really ever change in that department (imho). You seem to do a great job of taking care of yourself and ensuring that your own needs are met, and I’m sure you will continue to do so, even if it’s hard to make this decision. You deserve to find a person who can meet your needs and wants happily.

    1. People don’t change at all. They get older, smarter, smarter, meaner. But they are still the same.

    2. Thanks Brigit! Yeah I know I am not going to change and he isn’t either. We have settled into this for now and we both continue to talk about it and be sensitive to each other. We are making it work for now, but it’s also nice that we aren’t putting any pressure on our relationship and there are no “escalator expectations” and we can just enjoy each other’s company- for what it is and who we are.

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